2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual
by FennecFics
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You have just received a 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit! This manual is a necessity to not only enjoy your unit to the fullest, but prevent any knives inserting themselves into vital organs...


**Sooo I think that the 'Hetalia Units' craze has died down...eh. I wrote this a few years ago and I'm transferring it to here from DA. Based on the style of Lollidictator/est. 1995/0ptimuspenguin's Hetalia Units manuals.**

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 **CONGRATULATIONS!** You have just received a 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit. This unit is rather sweet and affectionate, but does have a darker side like most of the "2P" units do. This manual is to ensure your physical safety and sanity, as well as that you never deal with that darker side.

 **Technical Specifications:**

Name: Arthur Kirkland. Will also respond to Arthur, Artie, Mr. Kirkland, Cupcake, Madman, Crazy bastard, Psycho, (Negatively to the past three) and Iggy. Oddly enough, responds to Oliver and Ollie as well.

Age: 23  
Place of Manufacture: London, England  
Height: 5'9  
Weight: 130 pounds.  
Length: Completely sweet.

 **Your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit comes with the following:**

Two (2) pink sweater vests  
Two (2) sky blue bowties  
One (1) cookbook for various sweets/pastries  
Two (2) very large, sharp knives.  
Two (2) kits of skin-colored powder

 **Programming**

Your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is programmed with the following traits:

Baker: 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND adores baking in all its forms, with a particular fondness for cupcakes…however, it is advised that you don't eat the cupcakes after they're frosted, as he tends to add 'unusual' ingredients to the icing.

Babysitter: Due to his own childish personality, this unit is perfect for getting along with kids, though it is advised that if he does babysit, it is not for a prolonged period of time. We at Flying Chocolate Bunny inc. are not responsible for any mental damage done to children in 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND'S care.

Serial Killer: Does that one annoying guy down the street drive you insane? Have you always been a fan of Sweeney Todd? Fear not, as your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is very eager to use his knives…very violently too. He's also skilled enough to leave no trace of his identity, so you won't worry about the cops breaking down your door! He never leaves any witnesses behind!

 **Removal of your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND Unit from Packaging**  
Your unit is generally rather happy-go-lucky, but he is also likely to kill you if you remove him from packaging incorrectly. To avoid any knives going through vital organs, we have placed this list of ideal ways to wake him up.

1\. Bring the crate into your kitchen and begin baking. Cupcakes are ideal for this. 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND will begin begging to be let out so he can help you. Let him out as quickly as possible, or he will cut his way out…and probably cut anything else around him, too.

2\. Curse loudly. It doesn't matter what you say, even something mild will work. 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will suddenly break out of the box and pin you, either against a wall or the floor. He will likely hold a knife to your throat and begin lecturing you on foul language. It is advised you reprogram him as fast as possible.

3\. Bring in a 2P ALFRED F. JONES unit. He will begin loudly shouting for your unit to wake up, mixed with cursing and threatening. 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will wake up and be in _Clingy_ mode, and you're free to reprogram him…but please, do so before 2P ALFRED F JONES attempt to beat you with his baseball bat for dragging him here.

If you think 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND was shipped successfully, open the box and reprogram him. However, just in case he wakes up, we highly advise-no, we DEMAND-that you take the knives from his box first so he can't shred you if you startle him awake.

 **Reprogramming**

After removing 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND from his box, you can reprogram him to any personality listed below. Please note that not all of his personalities are…pleasant.

 _Childish (default)_  
 _Unstable (default)_  
 _Madman_  
 _Clingy_  
 _Sad_  
 _1P (locked)_

2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND arrives in his default _Childish_ and _Unstable_ modes. _Childish_ more or less translates to him being an incredibly cheerful and sweet man who loves bright colors, dolls, baking sweets…and possibly cutting you into itty bitty pieces and making a 'special' batch of cupcakes if you upset him due to his _Unstable_ nature. Other than that, he is quite adorable in this mode, and will also be rather affectionate.

 _Unstable_ , aside from the obvious murdering you if you make him mad/sad/whatever, means that 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will often be quite random…think of the Mad Hatter if you like. He will say odd things and laugh a lot, as well as sing various nursery rhymes (He seems quite fond of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and 'Patty Cake') in a disturbing tone of voice. Try to ignore it, as it is perfectly normal…but if he stares at you while singing, it's best you be worried or start singing along, depending on his expression.

 _Madman_ is just that: He will be quite insane. Even more than usual. This mode is activated if somebody says something to anger him, such as insulting his cupcakes or threatening/insulting somebody he is close to (i.e. another unit). 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is much more likely to kill you in this mode as any others, although for the most part, his rage will be directed at whoever angered him. He will snap back to normal once his revenge is carried out, and we advise you not eat any of his cooking for a day or two until then. It is ill-advised to try and reprogram him manually.

 _Clingy_ is easy to activate, and is almost twice as loving as his _Childish_ mode while in it. It's activated by leaving him at home alone for a few hours with no explanation, or introducing him to a 2P ALFRED F JONES or 2P FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit. He will be very affectionate and clingy to anyone and everyone in this mode, and will often use terms of endearment such as "poppet," "love," and "lamb," regardless of gender, and will have a minor emotional breakdown if you try to make him go away. Please note that the above units will not react positively to a 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit in this mode and will either ignore him or threaten him. He'll go back to normal in a few hours.

 _Sad_ is exactly what you think. It is activated by making a comment on his freckles, shouting tat him like you would when scolding a child, or convincing him to curse (which takes quite a lot, honestly). In this mode, he will lock himself in a room and sob for a long time, not coming out. If the first scenario is involved, he will be in the bathroom applying makeup constantly to hide his freckles. If it's the second, he will sit in the corner of his bedroom. And if it's the third, he will be washing his mouth out with soap. To snap him out of this mode, apologize to him and offer to buy him a treat or say you'll bake cupcakes with him (monitor him carefully when he makes the frosting.) This will cheer him right up to _Clingy_ mode and he'll be just fine!

 **Please keep in mind that 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND may also go into** ** _Madman_** **mode instead of** ** _Sad_** **at some points. We're not sure why this happens, and it is very rare, but try to be careful. We are not responsible for your damages.**

Your unit's only locked mode is _1P_ mode. We're not sure why, but occasionally, 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will begin acting like his counterpart, ARTHUR KIRKLAND. If this happens, he will remain this way for a few days. We advise you contact customer service if this goes on for more than a week. We also recommend ordering a normal ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit manual until then to avoid any OTHER mistakes.

 **Relationships with Other Units**

Like most of our other 2P units, 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is more likely to form a relationship with a 2P unit than a 1P unit. Here are the units he will respond to:  
2P ALFRED F. JONES: 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is openly affectionate to 2P ALFRED F. JONES, who does not tend to return these affections. However, much like their 1P versions, relationships will catch like wildfire with a little time and effort. We advise setting up cameras to catch any action.

2P FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: Yet again, 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is rather emotionally clingy to 2P FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and will follow him around, offering him sweets, similar to how he behaves with 2P ALFRED F. JONES. However, 2P FRANCIS BONNEFIOIS's emotionless nature will make this pairing much more difficult to achieve. If you want to try, well, be our guest!

2P KIKU HONDA: 2P KIKU HONDA and 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND's relationship is different. 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be polite and friendly as usual, but 2P KIKU HONDA will openly hit on him in a way that makes your unit nervous. 2P KIKU HONDA is very likely to sexually abuse and molest 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND, which we don't recommend, as 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will probably lash out…with his knives.

2P MATTHEW WILLIAMS: This is more of a brotherly relationship than anything. You know, when the older brother tries to befriend the younger, but the younger brother hates the older…? It's a bit like that. A romantic relationship will NEVER happen.

ARTHUR KIRKLAND: Like most of our 2P-1P relationships, these two have a love-hate relationship…in other words, they love to hate each other. For the most part it will consist of ARTHUR KIRKLAND cursing and insulting 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND, who will taunt him right back and probably bringing out the knives…but hey, if you like selfcest, go right ahead.

 **Cleaning**

2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is quite fond of bubble baths, and will often ask you to bring in some kind of toy for him to play with as he does. It is surprisingly safe to bathe with 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND, although he may insist on covering you with bubbles and splashing you.  
 **Feeding**

2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is an excellent cook and is able to cook incredibly delicious sweets. We only recommend eating cupcakes—his signature dish—if you monitor his every move when he makes and applies the frosting, or simply eating them before it is applied. We do not recommend eating them otherwise, as his ingredients are…unique. And often dangerous.

 **Rest**

Your unit will often fall asleep early (8-9), but will protest he's not tired if you wake him up or ask him to go to bed. HE will also wake up rather early, and if he thinks you're sleeping too late, will often sit in your room and wait for you to wake up. Do not be alarmed if you wake up and see 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND watching you sleep, or lying in your bed and cuddling you, as this is normal behavior.

 **Frequently Asked Questions**

Q: A while back, my neighbor said something to anger my unit. A few days later, my neighbor disappeared. Should I be worried?

A: Let's put it this way…as long as you didn't eat the cupcakes your unit undoubtedly made after your neighbor disappeared, particularly if they have red or pink frosting, your only worry will be the slight chance that the police show up. Oh, and don't go into your basement/storage room for a few days…trust us on that.

Q: 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND ran out of his powder, and now refuses to leave his room because he's embarrassed by his freckles. What do I do?

A: Buy him more powder. Duh.

Q: I ate some of the frosted cupcakes my unit made, and now I'm feeling horrible. What do I do?

A: DID YOU EVEN READ THE MANUAL?! Well, can't be helped now. First, call poison control. Second, go to your bathroom and try to empty the contents of your stomach as best you can. Call the ambulance too. Now pray that they show up in time.

With enough love, sweets and patience for childish antics (as well as the intelligence to avoid becoming an ingredient), 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be one of the most adorable friends you could ask for. He has a lifelong guarantee, so you'll have him for a while! Enjoy!


End file.
